A Bad Movie

A movie is supposed to tell a story, and to be a good one it needs intriguing characters, engaging dialogue and an interesting plot. It seems like this would be a doable feat, but sadly this is not always the case. Somehow bad movies still get made (and I’m talking about the bad ones that are no fun to watch and are truly bad). There are numerous ways that a movie can be bad (e.g. poor acting, poor editing, etc.), but for me, the largest flaws generally stem from a poor script.

You know you’re watching a bad movie when you want to shout at the characters as they’re making stupid decisions. You want to implore those characters to take a second and actually think; use some logic before diving into a dumb decision that will inevitably make things worse. But of course, they don’t think and choose to do one stupid thing after the next and then wonder how things got so bad. (Which just makes me want to roll my eyes that they are so blinded to their own stupidity.)

You know you’re watching a bad movie when you’re rooting for the “bad guys” to win. Where the “good guys” are so annoying that their deaths seem preferable to listening to them whine or watching them be imbecilic. And while you realize that there’s practically no chance that the “bad guys” will win in the end, you’re still kind of disappointed when they lose to the moronic “good guys”.

You know you’re watching a bad movie when there are giant plot holes that are filled with crap explanations that you know don’t make any sense. Yet somehow those who made the movie thought so little of their audience that they thought that we would just accept their crap with no problem.

You know you’re watching a bad movie when it’s just not entertaining. And once you realize you’re watching a bad movie, it’s probably best to just stop watching it. Because if you don’t, you’ll probably be irritated once it’s over that you just wasted two hours of your life watching something that wasn’t worth your time (or boredom or frustration).

A Fine Cheese

Cheese is delicious. And a fine cheese should be savored. It’s all about quality, consistency and flavor, and some cheeses are just better than others. There’s quite an array of cheese to choose from, but while some cheeses never impressed me much with their bland flavor, others I love and just can’t seem to get enough of.

Just as actual cheese varies in quality, so do cheesy movies. I admit that I enjoy a good cheesy movie from time to time. Sometimes I’m not in the mood to watch something with depth. Sometimes I just want to watch something that’s light and amusing and utterly absurd. Yes, I like the occasional low budget made-for-TV sci-fi movie…if it’s a good one.

Usually I’ll see promising commercials for these low-budget sci-fi movies, but once I watch the first ten minutes I’ll often get bored and give up. However on rare occasions I stumble upon a fine cheesy movie. A movie that has an entertaining (and highly implausible) premise, with actors that have just the right dose of ham, dialogue that’s over the top in a good way and gory inventive deaths (and plenty of them). I tend to like the genetically mutated animals that are larger, smarter, faster and stronger than normal (and generally seem to be bullet proof for some reason). I like these types of movies because the enemy can be seen and killed, unlike natural disaster or epidemic plots that the characters tend to have a more cerebral and a less physical battle against.

I want my cheesy movies to be a good time—light-hearted gory fun with almost cartoon-like violence. A good cheesy movie isn’t going to win any prestigious awards, but it’ll make me laugh at its absurdity and I’d say that in itself is an accomplishment.

Comfort Movie

Some people only want to watch a movie once; they don’t feel the need to re-watch a movie since they already know what happens. And if it’s no longer surprising to watch, then what’s the point? While I can logically understand that perspective, I am not one of those people. There are times when I just want to watch something that I know I like. There are some movies that are like comfort food—you know what to expect and it makes you feel warm and cozy inside as you experience them.

My comfort movies are all uppers, whether it’s action or comedy or animation or musicals, they’re the movies I’ll just end up watching as I stumble upon them while I’m flipping through the TV channels. They’re also the movies I’ll watch when there’s nothing good on TV or if I want something on in the background as I’m working on something else. And they’re my go-to movies to watch if I’m in a foul mood because I know I can’t watch them without feeling better about myself or about the world around me. 

Just as some comfort foods have more substance than others, my comfort movies fall in a range of quality (and some are definitely more high-end than others). Some comfort movies I love because of nostalgic reasons, while others because I genuinely love the plot and characters, but for whatever reason, I can watch those movies again and again and again and never tire of them.

A Good Movie Can be Made Bad

One of my favorite parts in Singing in the Rain is when there are technical difficulties during the film they’re watching and the actor’s voices are switched. This comical moment helps to illustrate an important point—voices matter. And while I find this scene highly amusing, in general, a dubbed movie or TV show makes me cringe (internally as well as externally). I find it beyond distracting that the lips don’t match the words coming from them, but most of all it brings down the quality of any movie or TV show because it loses an essential part of itself.

A good movie can be made bad with bad dubbing. Actors were cast (hopefully) for their acting ability—and part of acting is speaking. The tone of voice, the inflections and the pauses are all important in capturing the feelings of a scene. Yet bad dubbing can overshadow everything else until all you can pay attention to are the terrible fake accents, poor pronunciation, a lack of emotion, an annoying tone of voice or just the wrong voice casting. Good dubbing at least tries to match the original voices in tone and feeling and is pleasant sounding enough that doesn’t distract you from the story. But even “good” dubbing will never compare to the original, as the original is the standard and the dubbed version is just a shadow of the original.

Perhaps I’m biased because I grew up watching a lot of subtitled movies and TV shows. I’m used to reading subtitles, but I realize there are many people who do not like to do so because they find it distracting or the subtitles are too fast for them. I suppose that’s why dubbing still tends to be more mainstream than subtitles. Yet, I think most people would be able to feel the difference in quality if they watched the same movie dubbed as well as subtitled, whether they would care about the difference or not, I guess that’s a separate issue. [Sigh.] But I care. Given a choice, I’ll always choose to watch something in its original language than dubbed.

The Book is Better

I have a difficult time watching movies based upon books I’ve read because I’m almost always disappointed. When you go into a movie knowing the plot, sometimes you keep waiting for an event to happen or a character to appear—only it never happens. Or sometimes they rewrite the story in a way that tries to condense the plot or they add characters that don’t belong that confuse you into wondering if this movie is really based upon that book.

I expect some plot edits since a movie can only fit so much in its allotted time constraints, but one aspect that can be especially painful to watch are actors that are utterly miscast. They look weird or they sound wrong or perhaps they just can’t act; basically, they are nowhere near the vision you had of the characters while reading the book. So every time miscast actors speak or show up in a scene you can't help but roll your eyes or sigh is distaste because it's so disappointing to watch characters you loved so much in your mind, come to life in such an unappealing way. 

No, watching a movie based upon a book you like is quite the difficult task because you have expectations that will unlikely be met. This is why I prefer to watch a movie in pure ignorance of the book; then I have a much better chance of enjoying the movie. And there are quite a few movies based on books that I like a lot. But whether I read the book before or after I watch the movie, a vast majority of the time if I had to choose which was better, I would choose the book because the book often has details and depth that cannot be translated in its entirety into a movie.

Book Attack!

A love of books was ingrained in me at an early age. I read often and enjoy going to the library or bookstore and discovering new books. I admit that I often pick up books with pretty covers (I just can’t seem to help it—its allure lures me). But then I’ll skim the first few pages to see if the content and writing appeals to me before taking it with me or returning it to the shelf. Usually at worst a book can do is bore me. [Pause.] Usually.

Recently, with a hardcover book in hand, I was reading in bed. Normal enough. And then I somehow lost my grip of one side of the book and the corner of the book smacked me in the lip. It hit me hard enough that it not only hurt, but it also made me bleed. That’s right, a book gave me a bloody lip. How sad is that?

I didn’t see it coming (literally). I expect to accidentally bang my knee on a table or prick myself with a needle, but getting hurt by a book? No, a book is not a weapon (unless wielded improperly as I did). It was totally lame to get hurt by such a normal and benign object. [Sigh.] Lame enough that I could see it as a B-horror movie: Book Attack! (It would have a simple plot of a young woman librarian who stumbles upon a magic book that brings all the books in the library to life. Perhaps the books grow teeth to eat tasty humans or maybe the book characters become a part of the real world and zany horrors ensue.) It would be a fine cheesy film.